Flounce

Hey, toxed out, chemical drenched mommy/homemaker. The maker of fabric poisoner sheets wants you! In case you haven't crammed enough air poisoners into your house, car and garage because we've told you to, here are some tips on how to make the air even more toxic.

Don't forget about baby's nursery. Baby smells are bad. Be a good, sanitized mommy and put one under the rocking chair. Voila! Instant nerve gas that smells like a bathroom. No more pesky baby fumes. Just make sure that baby's immune system is as strong as steel. Hey, she's not eating it. She's just breathing it into her lungs and absorbing it into her skin. What could be wrong with that? Did you make sure to put one under your own pillow? We don't want you thinking clearly now, do we?

The bugs bugging you? No problem. Rub a sheet of Flounce through your hair and no more flies, gnats, fleas, beetles or butterflies. Even mice will run like hell. Don't wonder why, though. Just keep rubbing and putting sheets everywhere you have or haven't already sprayed some kind of synthentic scented crap like Fesneeze.

Fingerprints on the table? Why not wipe with a sheet of Flounce and spread the fragrance all around the room at the same time? That's it. Keep breathing it in. No, you can't be feeling faint. It's because you're working too hard. Here, sniff some more Flounce. You'll forget your problems. That's a good sheeple house mommy.

Here are letters and more tips from other poison sheet lovers.

I have always wanted asthma because I thought the inhalers were cool. Thanks, Flounce!

-TJ from Maine

Dear Flounce,
Since becoming addicted to the chemicals in Flounce, I've been able to cut my coke habit spending in half. Now, I sniff Flounce and don't need as much coke or meth.

-Wasted in Washington

I used to have a girlfriend who drove me crazy. But since I started using Flounce, she says I stink like a bathroom. She left me and so did my sex drive. Thanks, Flounce for saving me from that witch.

-Still Single in Saskatoon

My dog used to stink and he had static in his fur. I rubbed him regularly with Flounce sheets. Now, not only has his fur fallen out, he's lost his voice. Thanks for making my life easier. My cat has run away but I'm sure he'll turn up soon.

-Catless in Courtney

Dear Flounce,
I did exactly what you told me to do on your commercial. I put Flounce sheets in my kids' lunch boxes. Now, their sandwiches smell so bad, they won't eat them and my youngest has developed allergies. The good news is they've both lost 20 lbs each. Thanks, Flounce. I have started putting Flounce in the fridge and not only have I developed bowel problems, I'VE LOST 38 POUNDS!

-Nauseated Size Nine in New York

Now you can have the chemicals from Fesneeze with Flounce. We've added Fesneeze to regular and extra toxic Flounce. Plus! Inside each box of Flounce, you'll find a coupon for a Fade plug in air poisoner. Keep sticking them all where the sun don't shine (use with caution in heated rooms)and make us rich, rich, rich.

Caution: Not to be used on children's clothing or near a heat source.
Side effects may include:
dizziness
skin rash
inner ear problems
vision disturbances
anal leakage
premature aging
hormonal imbalance
loss of appetite and libido

Not for use near people or other animals. Not to be used in combination with any other toxic scented products or near plants.

Keep out of the reach of people, especially those with lungs, immune systems and brains.